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January 21st, 2009

Tags: do i need a breakup tag?, mental health, rp, stop emo time, tl;dr, vent vent vent Subject: please please don't insist Time: 10:36 pm Current Mood: infuriated

So because I apparently suck at posting regular journal entries, have a massive top-of-head rambling shitty entry of emoness. ( Read more... ) Yeaaah might delete this in the morning. --- 3751

The mirror shows: Shine a Light

January 8th, 2009

Tags: do i need a breakup tag?, mental health, stop emo time Current Music: Stand in the Rain - SuperchicK Current Location: my parents' place Subject: you don't need an umbrella for the rain Time: 04:51 am Current Mood: awake

I didn't post here yesterday because I was too distracted by RP. Hahaha. So last night I had a dream about the ex-boyfriend wanting to get back together with me again. Of course this comes on the heels of me wondering before I slept if I am still in denial over this whole thing. It's been a week now. It's probably of no surprise for you to know I still love him. And now it's pretty obvious part of me still expects him to call up and apologize and get back together with me. Though it should also go without saying it's unrealistic to expect that. Sauron would say at this point it's not a bad thing. That it's because I loved him so that I feel this way. I really wish I could just turn emotions on and off. ... It's stupid, but I miss him most when I'm at work, because I'd call him during my lunch breaks. Now, there's just that empty space there. I'm considering asking Sauron or Kit if I can call them to chat instead, but ... look, I think it's a terribly needy thing. I don't like being emotionally vulnerable. I don't like the fact I need people. I like to pretend I'm strong and solid and can stand on my own. The fact I leaned on him so much was proof of my regard. But I guess that doesn't really fucking matter any more. .... I wish I was wired to even desire mindless, casual sex. Because this emotional-attachment thing seems like such bullshit otherwise. --- 3751

The mirror shows: 4 Reflections or Shine a Light

January 2nd, 2009

Tags: do i need a breakup tag?, mental health, stop emo time Current Location: my parents' place Subject: Coping strategies Time: 11:08 am Current Mood: numb

Being the lame person I am, I actually googled 'just been dumped' while my internet was still working upstairs. There was some useful and some not-so-useful advice. 1. I am not going to sleep with random people just to feel 'attractive still'. It's my mental space which allocates trust which has issues right now, not my mental space which considers my looks. 2. Advantages to being single? Okay, admittedly I didn't come out to myself or anyone else that I was bisexual until after I started dating him. But this was not an issue. Frankly, I don't think it's really necessary for me to date a bunch of women or men in order for me to know who I am. I still think both are attractive. I don't need to sleep with some girl to figure that out. 3. Coming up with a list of things which bug you about your ex - This might sound useful from the outset. If you're deluded and think there's someone Perfect out there. But everyone has flaws. Of course there were things he did which bugged me. But I loved him anyway. 4. Mixtape of angry/whiny/sad breakup music - I'm doing this, actually. 5. Don't contact your ex - I'm also doing this. Even if I want to. If only so I can complain the internet card he gave me fucked itself. 6. Don't wallow - I'm trying my very hardest not to think too much about this. I'm going to work today, which will be interesting. Not. But I wonder if I'm still partially in denial. In some ways, as much as I've cried and been an emotional mess about this, I still feel partially as if it isn't real. 7. Take things a day at a time - This is the best I can do right now. --- 3751 PS: Is it ironic that he introduced me to Alison Krauss' music, which has a shit-ton of breakup songs? Mind you, this was five years ago, when we started dating ...

The mirror shows: Shine a Light

January 1st, 2009

Tags: journal upkeep, stop emo time, the wowy, to-do lists Current Location: my parents' place Subject: New Year's Resolutions Time: 12:31 pm Current Mood: crushed

Long time, no post. Don't know if I'll post to LJ or not, even if most people watch that. Post more to personal journals, even if it's only this one Get a driver's license Move in with Kit Get over being dumped by the Wowy Really emotastic right now. I'm using Mum's lapo right now because my old one bit the dust. ... Maybe this is a good time to write more shit. --- 3751

The mirror shows: Shine a Light

Masquerade View: Recent Entries. View: Archive. View: Friends. View: User Info. View: Website (Older Journal Entries). You're looking at the latest 4 entries.