Masquerade
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January 22nd, 2009
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| Today I had a much better day. ( More rambling ) --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
The mirror shows: Shine a Light   |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/tired.gif){kind=small}
sleepyJanuary 21st, 2009
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| So because I apparently suck at posting regular journal entries, have a massive top-of-head rambling shitty entry of emoness. ( Read more... ) Yeaaah might delete this in the morning. --- 3751 | ||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/angry.gif){kind=small}
infuriatedJanuary 12th, 2009
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| Feeling much better today. Yesterday I just felt overwhelmingly down. To the point where that cracked and showed through at work. I had to pause a couple of times in the midst of forming peanut squares to get a hold of myself and not cry. Just ..... really down. Silver lining. It helped me bully myself into calling the counseling service during my lunch break - I talked to them as I walked around Wal-Mart's surrounding desert of abandoned mini-malls. This was the preliminary counseling session. We talked about what issues concerned me and past experiences with other counseling services. They set up another phone appointment not this Thursday, but the Thursday after that ... but they want me to see a real doctor. As they put it, there could be any a number of physical things causing what I feel - or it could be nothing at all. But we don't know until we find out. But the idea absolutely terrifies me. Just. Made me cry the more I thought about it. Which just proves I'm messed up. I know that's not logical. The fact I'm acting so irrationally only frustrates me more. But today? Today I feel much better. Slept well, and I feel more relaxed right now. Well, relatively better anyway. I'll be able to keep a good mask up at work again. I keep promising excerpts from my current 'soundtrack', don't I? ( Read more... ) --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/happy.gif){kind=small}
calmJanuary 8th, 2009
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| I didn't post here yesterday because I was too distracted by RP. Hahaha. So last night I had a dream about the ex-boyfriend wanting to get back together with me again. Of course this comes on the heels of me wondering before I slept if I am still in denial over this whole thing. It's been a week now. It's probably of no surprise for you to know I still love him. And now it's pretty obvious part of me still expects him to call up and apologize and get back together with me. Though it should also go without saying it's unrealistic to expect that. Sauron would say at this point it's not a bad thing. That it's because I loved him so that I feel this way. I really wish I could just turn emotions on and off. ... It's stupid, but I miss him most when I'm at work, because I'd call him during my lunch breaks. Now, there's just that empty space there. I'm considering asking Sauron or Kit if I can call them to chat instead, but ... look, I think it's a terribly needy thing. I don't like being emotionally vulnerable. I don't like the fact I need people. I like to pretend I'm strong and solid and can stand on my own. The fact I leaned on him so much was proof of my regard. But I guess that doesn't really fucking matter any more. .... I wish I was wired to even desire mindless, casual sex. Because this emotional-attachment thing seems like such bullshit otherwise. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 4 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/awake.gif){kind=small}
awakeJanuary 3rd, 2009
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| Oh, and now I'm going into semi-robotic mode. Perhaps not a bad thing. But it's never a good sign, either. Analytically (had I mentioned robotic-mode?) it might mean an all-out meltdown is imminent. Don't worry, I have contingencies in place if such a thing happens. Hmm, so you might not know what I mean when I say I'm being robotic. 1. Senses seem detached and able to be switched on and off by will 2. Internally everything seems emotionally flat, blank 3. Externally moods seem far easier to 'mask' and control 4. Everything as relates to me is very easy to third-person detach and analyze. It's all one giant metaphor, keep in mind. I don't think I'm ... robotkin? Or something. Ha. Look at my wit. When I get back from work I might post excerpts from my breakup soundtrack. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 2 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/indescribable.gif){kind=small}
blankJanuary 2nd, 2009
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| Being the lame person I am, I actually googled 'just been dumped' while my internet was still working upstairs. There was some useful and some not-so-useful advice. 1. I am not going to sleep with random people just to feel 'attractive still'. It's my mental space which allocates trust which has issues right now, not my mental space which considers my looks. 2. Advantages to being single? Okay, admittedly I didn't come out to myself or anyone else that I was bisexual until after I started dating him. But this was not an issue. Frankly, I don't think it's really necessary for me to date a bunch of women or men in order for me to know who I am. I still think both are attractive. I don't need to sleep with some girl to figure that out. 3. Coming up with a list of things which bug you about your ex - This might sound useful from the outset. If you're deluded and think there's someone Perfect out there. But everyone has flaws. Of course there were things he did which bugged me. But I loved him anyway. 4. Mixtape of angry/whiny/sad breakup music - I'm doing this, actually. 5. Don't contact your ex - I'm also doing this. Even if I want to. If only so I can complain the internet card he gave me fucked itself. 6. Don't wallow - I'm trying my very hardest not to think too much about this. I'm going to work today, which will be interesting. Not. But I wonder if I'm still partially in denial. In some ways, as much as I've cried and been an emotional mess about this, I still feel partially as if it isn't real. 7. Take things a day at a time - This is the best I can do right now. --- 3751 PS: Is it ironic that he introduced me to Alison Krauss' music, which has a shit-ton of breakup songs? Mind you, this was five years ago, when we started dating ... | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/sad.gif){kind=small}
numbSeptember 14th, 2008
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| ( about: boyfreend ) My hands ended up being sore on Friday, for the first time, but they seem to be fine today. Having Saturday off was a huge help. I feel anxious about a lot of things right now. And there's no reason to be. I read about some of the stuff my friends are going through ... I have no right to complain about anything. Anything. Yet my brain still does this fail-flail dance. x_x And I'm going to do my best not to get burned out on this Wal-Mart job too fast. Maybe if they approve these days off in October that I requested ... --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
September 7th, 2008
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| So, I noticed I haven't posted here in a while. I should fix that. This begins my first week at an attempt to work at Lane Bryant and at Wal-Mart. Already (since the job acceptance) I've been feeling more stressed than usual, and that's actually been showing up at LB, despite my best efforts. I've been pretty good at masking and being Happy-Cheerful-Helpful so much so that the people at LB think I'm constantly in a good, hyper mood. However, I guess when the reality of my feelings reach certain levels it actually bubbles over. Ugh. But I think once I get firmly settled in with my current schedule I'll be able to relax back into my normal levels of anxiety and stress. ... Maybe I should look into the free mental health thing from Wal-Mart, eh? Pretty much my schedule goes: Sun-Mon-Tues-Weds-Fri: Begin work around 7:00 or 9:00, end work about 5:00 or 6:00. Sat-Thurs: Work at Lane Bryant from around 9:00 to 2:00. Today is the first day I get to do real job work at Wal-Mart; that is, instead of taking tests and watching videos, I'll get to actually learn how to decorate cakes. Well, learn how to decorate cakes professionally. Already I feel super-intimidated, but I'll listen to my most sugary magical-girl music before going in and wear a permanent smile upon my face. Wal-Mart is used to a high turnover rate, and after sitting though nearly 30 computer tests about corporate policy I'd like to be able to last longer than the first two weeks. Wish me luck~ <3 --- 3751 | ||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/scared.gif){kind=small}
anxiousMay 12th, 2008
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| I was just thinking the other day that I might be actually doing better depression/anxiety/mental-health wise. ... And then this evening happens. You can just copypasta some emo whiny crap in here. It's about the same as what's going on inside my head. I can't wait to visit Minnesota. --- 3751 | ||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
March 17th, 2008
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| It's like putting on armor. I go through a definite ritual before starting work. Music is part of it; it sets me up in the right frame of mind. The clothes I wear, makeup, jewelry, it also helps. They're additional layers of defense, disguise. They are measures of supposed vanity that pretend to enhance beauty to the normal person. For me, it's armor. A costume. To hide my anxiety, my moodiness, my lack of self. I'm painting who they'd want to see over the real me. Later on, I can break down. This completely exhausts me. But perhaps some day, it might be worth it. Even if I make next to nothing. It'll all add up. And it's much better than nothing. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/determined.gif){kind=small}
determinedMarch 16th, 2008
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| I'm depressed, I'm lonely, and I cried more than a few times today. Last night I cried quite a bit (and pathetically in a hysterical way) before I fell asleep. I don't want a repeat performance tonight, but I don't know. My moods have been all over the place lately. I'm trying not to slip into hysterical-depression-mode, but I'm getting there. Tomorrow I work for five hours. Hopefully I can find something green. --- 3751 | ||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/depressed.gif){kind=small}
melancholyMarch 15th, 2008
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| I'm chatting with the Wowy right now, and I'm chatting with Kit ... and all of my thoughts and emotions are saying, "I don't want to talk right now, because I'm lonely." Let's analyze that sentence for a moment, shall we? My Wowy. And my best friend. My emotions don't want me to talk to them because I miss them? I really don't understand my irrational mind sometimes. Of course I'm going to talk with them. But why do I have to feel like shit, like I want to just hide away and rot? --- 3751 | ||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/moody.gif){kind=small}
moody
Masquerade
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