Masquerade
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January 21st, 2009
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| So because I apparently suck at posting regular journal entries, have a massive top-of-head rambling shitty entry of emoness. ( Read more... ) Yeaaah might delete this in the morning. --- 3751 | ||||||||||
The mirror shows: Shine a Light   |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/angry.gif){kind=small}
infuriatedJanuary 16th, 2009
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| "Where Does the Good Go" - Tegan and Sara ( Read more... ) Trying to remember to post every day. Because otherwise, I kind of forget time is passing. My only other indication is the ever-increasing date when I take cake orders. I'm pathetic sometimes. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
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![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/happy.gif){kind=small}
calmJanuary 12th, 2009
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| Feeling much better today. Yesterday I just felt overwhelmingly down. To the point where that cracked and showed through at work. I had to pause a couple of times in the midst of forming peanut squares to get a hold of myself and not cry. Just ..... really down. Silver lining. It helped me bully myself into calling the counseling service during my lunch break - I talked to them as I walked around Wal-Mart's surrounding desert of abandoned mini-malls. This was the preliminary counseling session. We talked about what issues concerned me and past experiences with other counseling services. They set up another phone appointment not this Thursday, but the Thursday after that ... but they want me to see a real doctor. As they put it, there could be any a number of physical things causing what I feel - or it could be nothing at all. But we don't know until we find out. But the idea absolutely terrifies me. Just. Made me cry the more I thought about it. Which just proves I'm messed up. I know that's not logical. The fact I'm acting so irrationally only frustrates me more. But today? Today I feel much better. Slept well, and I feel more relaxed right now. Well, relatively better anyway. I'll be able to keep a good mask up at work again. I keep promising excerpts from my current 'soundtrack', don't I? ( Read more... ) --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
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January 11th, 2009
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| I deleted a lot of my pairing icons on this journal, with the exception of a few. Like this one. Because I mostly wanted to use those in context of the boyfreeend. Ex-boyfreeend. Whatever. Icons like this one I think can be also used in a lot of other situations, too - hence the word in this icon's keywords being "Friendship". And now, random poetry. the wind burns brightly across your face all the prickling of memory your feet have not rested and the earth's musing travels faster than your eyes so look onto the horizon; the frosting sunlight bitterly descends until the twilight of dream ending, resuming, sustaining at last satisfies your soul. - HJST --- 3751 EDIT: He's taken me off his Skype contacts list, though I haven't once tried to contact him. I don't know why this makes me feel so terrible. | ||||||||||||
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![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/sad.gif){kind=small}
numbJanuary 8th, 2009
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| I didn't post here yesterday because I was too distracted by RP. Hahaha. So last night I had a dream about the ex-boyfriend wanting to get back together with me again. Of course this comes on the heels of me wondering before I slept if I am still in denial over this whole thing. It's been a week now. It's probably of no surprise for you to know I still love him. And now it's pretty obvious part of me still expects him to call up and apologize and get back together with me. Though it should also go without saying it's unrealistic to expect that. Sauron would say at this point it's not a bad thing. That it's because I loved him so that I feel this way. I really wish I could just turn emotions on and off. ... It's stupid, but I miss him most when I'm at work, because I'd call him during my lunch breaks. Now, there's just that empty space there. I'm considering asking Sauron or Kit if I can call them to chat instead, but ... look, I think it's a terribly needy thing. I don't like being emotionally vulnerable. I don't like the fact I need people. I like to pretend I'm strong and solid and can stand on my own. The fact I leaned on him so much was proof of my regard. But I guess that doesn't really fucking matter any more. .... I wish I was wired to even desire mindless, casual sex. Because this emotional-attachment thing seems like such bullshit otherwise. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 4 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/awake.gif){kind=small}
awakeJanuary 3rd, 2009
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| Oh, and now I'm going into semi-robotic mode. Perhaps not a bad thing. But it's never a good sign, either. Analytically (had I mentioned robotic-mode?) it might mean an all-out meltdown is imminent. Don't worry, I have contingencies in place if such a thing happens. Hmm, so you might not know what I mean when I say I'm being robotic. 1. Senses seem detached and able to be switched on and off by will 2. Internally everything seems emotionally flat, blank 3. Externally moods seem far easier to 'mask' and control 4. Everything as relates to me is very easy to third-person detach and analyze. It's all one giant metaphor, keep in mind. I don't think I'm ... robotkin? Or something. Ha. Look at my wit. When I get back from work I might post excerpts from my breakup soundtrack. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 2 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/indescribable.gif){kind=small}
blankJanuary 2nd, 2009
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| Being the lame person I am, I actually googled 'just been dumped' while my internet was still working upstairs. There was some useful and some not-so-useful advice. 1. I am not going to sleep with random people just to feel 'attractive still'. It's my mental space which allocates trust which has issues right now, not my mental space which considers my looks. 2. Advantages to being single? Okay, admittedly I didn't come out to myself or anyone else that I was bisexual until after I started dating him. But this was not an issue. Frankly, I don't think it's really necessary for me to date a bunch of women or men in order for me to know who I am. I still think both are attractive. I don't need to sleep with some girl to figure that out. 3. Coming up with a list of things which bug you about your ex - This might sound useful from the outset. If you're deluded and think there's someone Perfect out there. But everyone has flaws. Of course there were things he did which bugged me. But I loved him anyway. 4. Mixtape of angry/whiny/sad breakup music - I'm doing this, actually. 5. Don't contact your ex - I'm also doing this. Even if I want to. If only so I can complain the internet card he gave me fucked itself. 6. Don't wallow - I'm trying my very hardest not to think too much about this. I'm going to work today, which will be interesting. Not. But I wonder if I'm still partially in denial. In some ways, as much as I've cried and been an emotional mess about this, I still feel partially as if it isn't real. 7. Take things a day at a time - This is the best I can do right now. --- 3751 PS: Is it ironic that he introduced me to Alison Krauss' music, which has a shit-ton of breakup songs? Mind you, this was five years ago, when we started dating ... | ||||||||||||
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Masquerade
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