InsaneJournal

Current mood:	infuriated
Entry tags:	do i need a breakup tag?, mental health, rp, stop emo time, tl;dr, vent vent vent

please please don't insist
So because I apparently suck at posting regular journal entries, have a massive top-of-head rambling shitty entry of emoness.



I keep waiting for someone to call me out and say Zechs' bad habits are all my own in DDD, because that's somewhat vaguely true.

Somewhat. I don't drink like he does. But the not eating when stressed out? And the not sleeping? Oh my god. I'm a terrible mun. But I put those things into his not-coping-well-really habits because they're easy for me to relate to and describe. (Now if I was only a workaholic instead of being massively fail whenever I get this depressed.) Or because I'm a terrible roleplayer. Clearly that's already true according to some people because I write smut.

Okay, shutting up now before this digresses into an "I'm insecure about my RP" post.

Really trying not to have this be a pity-party entry anyhow.

But I'm venting.

Today I ate: a granola bar at 1:50 PM, a bite-sized brownie at 3:15 PM (work), a miniature pumpkin tart at 5:05 (work), and a real meal at home consisting of a bowl of plain spaghetti (salt only) and four spicy barbecue chicken wings (8:25 PM onwards).

That and the coffee I drank (has some 2 percent milk) were the only calories I consumed today. And I feel wired. Not hungry at all.

Last night I stayed up until about four, unable to sleep, and it seems like tonight it's going to be the same way.

The worst part is I don't feel that depressed right now. Just numb.

Well. And the urge to pick at myself. There's this one particular scab - argh TMI. But it's rather cathartic.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff anymore.


... I guess this is partially trying to gear up with talking to the therapist on the phone tomorrow. Fuck that makes me nervous. I haven't seen a doctor. I don't want to see a doctor.

Because. Part of me is afraid everyone else is right. That I am really fine, that I'm not depressed or anything else at all. That I am being a whiny attention whore bitch and I should just shut the fuck up and deal like everyone else. Why is my life so hard? Why do I feel this way? Grow a pair of balls, fuckhead.

.... Yeah, part of that might be inner dialog.


I also really, really, really don't want to be on medication.


No, I don't know why that still frightens the living shit out of me.


... I'm really terribly pinged by Treize in my recent RP threads, because Zechs has had to be an ass to him to be IC. And. Um. I was recently dumped. It pinged me enough to get a bit depressed about it, and then I realized I was a moron.

Because, dude. Why the fuck am I investing so much emotional energy into RP characters?

Duh, it's because I have no life because I'm a retarded faggot.


I feel like I'm just stuck running in one spot because it's too much energy to move beyond this treadmill. I want to move in with Kit. I want to be closer to Sauron and my other friends as well.

But obviously not enough, otherwise why am I failing so hard at life?


I don't want to lose them like I lost the Wowy.


Holy bloody asscunt fuck I miss the Wowy.


I really thought I was loved this time. For me. Just. Nobody else but me. Not as someone easy and easily seduced because they're a naive 14-year-old who doesn't know how to deal with puberty and having crushes on cute female best friends. Not because they're vulnerable and clingy and the person they really like is unavailable. Those two guys weren't worth it, I know. But the Wowy?

And oh god I sent him things I hope he never posts.

I think I'm pretty because of him. Not in a vain way - but in an I-can-look-at-myself-in-the-mirror-without-wincing way. I got mental help for the first time because of him. I became comfortable about my bisexuality because of him. I ... I felt like I was more me, just for being with him.

And now I feel more fragmented than ever before.




How can I know in the future if someone else is the one, if that one felt so real?

I'm just never wanted. That's very hard for me to deal with. I hate feeling so fucking insecure, second-guessing all of my relationships. Even my internet friendships.

I know it's nothing special. I'm being such a cunt about this.

I'm so close to not posting this too, because I feel like an attention whore.

But you know what? I want to vent.

No friend's lock, either.

Because.

...


I will get more immediate help if these sorts of thoughts worsen, I promise.

No pity-party. Just ... no.

I've never done anything before which would ... well. Just thoughts. And I've been more depressed than this. So much more.

And I'm not as big as a douche cunt to fall into a huge slump over a breakup.


Trying not to be, anyway.


I'm so fucking pathetic.





Yeaaah might delete this in the morning.


--- 3751