Masquerade
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January 1st, 2030
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 To clarify: MOST entries are public. SOME entries are locked for friends only. COMMENT here if you wish to be added. :) --- 3751 | ||||||||
The mirror shows: 2 Reflections or Shine a Light   |
April 1st, 2009
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| the panther has gotten herself a nifty new phone today that can use the internet! I have tried to plurk with it but am obviously made of fail; so far I can't figure it out. But if you can see this it means IJ works! :) ... Maybe this means I'll start using my personal LJ again. ^^;; | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/working.gif){kind=small}
accomplishedMarch 12th, 2009
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| So, apparently LJ Login has given my crazy ideas. Like the ability to keep up with several communities at once. Because I'm fucking retarded. I might be apping Angel here. I might be planning on apping Android 18 here when apps open. (Is she a camper or a counselor? Yes I do mean from DBZ. Yes it's a really moronic show. OMG don't judge me.) And I'm toying with the idea of apping Arthur Dent/Puck/Penelo/Dorothy/oh god I don't know here to go with my Zechs because I'm phenomenally stupid. I know they really want a Penelo, but I'm not sure I can have her be anything but. You know. Spunky. And that's pretty one-dimensional. ON THE OTHER HAND I'm strangely taken with the idea of being Arthur Dent because he's basically a Tourist/PermaSuck Vacuum Cleaner Salesman and would generally flail around and be just as clueless as he is in his canon. And possibly worldhop using random couches and shit, but completely by accident and just when he doesn't want to leave, because that's also completely canon. Oh god I should just shut up now. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/silly.gif){kind=small}
crazyJanuary 22nd, 2009
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| Today I had a much better day. ( More rambling ) --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/tired.gif){kind=small}
sleepyJanuary 21st, 2009
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| So because I apparently suck at posting regular journal entries, have a massive top-of-head rambling shitty entry of emoness. ( Read more... ) Yeaaah might delete this in the morning. --- 3751 | ||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/angry.gif){kind=small}
infuriatedJanuary 17th, 2009
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| By my brother Cheetah's designs, one of my cousins is visiting today. I guess we used to be pretty friendly with each other - our families would visit each other all the time when I was very young. She's closer to Cheetah's age than mine - three years younger than me - but we got along well enough all the same. I don't exactly know her now, because I'm almost certain it's been almost ten years since I've last seen her. Probably just less than that, but ... The problem is she's coming to visit at 12:30. I'm working from 12:00-9:00. Way to go, Cheetah. Way to go. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 2 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/cold.gif){kind=small}
coldJanuary 16th, 2009
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| "Where Does the Good Go" - Tegan and Sara ( Read more... ) Trying to remember to post every day. Because otherwise, I kind of forget time is passing. My only other indication is the ever-increasing date when I take cake orders. I'm pathetic sometimes. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/happy.gif){kind=small}
calmJanuary 13th, 2009
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| *flails Usagi-style* Fucking hell! Fucking overslept! ARGH. Good thing I'm great at getting ready in a veryshort amount of time. And I got to respond to one cracky thread. Funny now my priorities. *rollseyes* -- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
January 12th, 2009
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| Feeling much better today. Yesterday I just felt overwhelmingly down. To the point where that cracked and showed through at work. I had to pause a couple of times in the midst of forming peanut squares to get a hold of myself and not cry. Just ..... really down. Silver lining. It helped me bully myself into calling the counseling service during my lunch break - I talked to them as I walked around Wal-Mart's surrounding desert of abandoned mini-malls. This was the preliminary counseling session. We talked about what issues concerned me and past experiences with other counseling services. They set up another phone appointment not this Thursday, but the Thursday after that ... but they want me to see a real doctor. As they put it, there could be any a number of physical things causing what I feel - or it could be nothing at all. But we don't know until we find out. But the idea absolutely terrifies me. Just. Made me cry the more I thought about it. Which just proves I'm messed up. I know that's not logical. The fact I'm acting so irrationally only frustrates me more. But today? Today I feel much better. Slept well, and I feel more relaxed right now. Well, relatively better anyway. I'll be able to keep a good mask up at work again. I keep promising excerpts from my current 'soundtrack', don't I? ( Read more... ) --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
January 11th, 2009
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| the little bird sings brown feathers brown wings she sings for you with papers and strings tied up around rings a present for you a smile she brings to those without wings including just you but with charming spring that gift one would fling away from you. - HJST Okay, seriously, leaving for work now. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/sad.gif){kind=small}
numb
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| I deleted a lot of my pairing icons on this journal, with the exception of a few. Like this one. Because I mostly wanted to use those in context of the boyfreeend. Ex-boyfreeend. Whatever. Icons like this one I think can be also used in a lot of other situations, too - hence the word in this icon's keywords being "Friendship". And now, random poetry. the wind burns brightly across your face all the prickling of memory your feet have not rested and the earth's musing travels faster than your eyes so look onto the horizon; the frosting sunlight bitterly descends until the twilight of dream ending, resuming, sustaining at last satisfies your soul. - HJST --- 3751 EDIT: He's taken me off his Skype contacts list, though I haven't once tried to contact him. I don't know why this makes me feel so terrible. | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
January 8th, 2009
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| I didn't post here yesterday because I was too distracted by RP. Hahaha. So last night I had a dream about the ex-boyfriend wanting to get back together with me again. Of course this comes on the heels of me wondering before I slept if I am still in denial over this whole thing. It's been a week now. It's probably of no surprise for you to know I still love him. And now it's pretty obvious part of me still expects him to call up and apologize and get back together with me. Though it should also go without saying it's unrealistic to expect that. Sauron would say at this point it's not a bad thing. That it's because I loved him so that I feel this way. I really wish I could just turn emotions on and off. ... It's stupid, but I miss him most when I'm at work, because I'd call him during my lunch breaks. Now, there's just that empty space there. I'm considering asking Sauron or Kit if I can call them to chat instead, but ... look, I think it's a terribly needy thing. I don't like being emotionally vulnerable. I don't like the fact I need people. I like to pretend I'm strong and solid and can stand on my own. The fact I leaned on him so much was proof of my regard. But I guess that doesn't really fucking matter any more. .... I wish I was wired to even desire mindless, casual sex. Because this emotional-attachment thing seems like such bullshit otherwise. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 5 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/awake.gif){kind=small}
awakeJanuary 6th, 2009
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| At work I seem to be waaay better at masking than perhaps I'd like. Most people think I'm hyper/cheerful/always happy, which if we're talking about my internal thoughts ... Not really true at all, kthx. As an example - yesterday I was really superfrustrated at work. They're not giving us enough hours, especially considering we're missing two people because of cancer treatment and injury, respectively, and they won't authorize 'overtime' so we can get all the work done that's needed. I'm the only person who seems to give a crap over things which concern the smooth, effective running of the bakery - keeping the freezer organized, the front case filled, everything properly stocked, etc. And the worst part is of course I don't actually care, I just see it as really easy to actually do the job right. And then of course you can't open the grocery-side trash compactor without a mallet, which has been missing for three days now, so I've been walking all the way over to the general merchandise trash compactor when I close the bakery each night now. Which really pisses me off. Instead of being pissed off, I started to sing. I frequently sing. I can't sing well, but nobody here seems to particularly care about that. The alcohol stocker and other stockers in the back grinned at me and said, "Well, you're awfully happy! You always seem so cheerful!" Trust me, ladies - it's either I sing or I start screaming. Though screaming seems like a better option every day. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
January 5th, 2009
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| In the interest of not talking incessantly about my Specifically, I'm talking about robot/android fetishism - often known online as the acronym ASFR, named after the now-defunct newsgroup Alt-Sex-Fetish-Robots. Well, you say, That sounds pretty simple. You think robots are sexy. Not exactly. Yes and no, rather. Well, you say, I'll just google ASFR and I'll know what you're interested in. No once again. You'll find a lot of stuff I have absolutely no interest in. ( The problem lies in that, like all weird internet subcultures, there's a lot of variety to be found within. ) --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 5 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/nerdy.gif){kind=small}
geekyJanuary 4th, 2009
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| I'm really really glad RP is so distracting. ... I need to get around to apping Puck from Gargoyles, srsly. | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
January 3rd, 2009
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| Oh, and now I'm going into semi-robotic mode. Perhaps not a bad thing. But it's never a good sign, either. Analytically (had I mentioned robotic-mode?) it might mean an all-out meltdown is imminent. Don't worry, I have contingencies in place if such a thing happens. Hmm, so you might not know what I mean when I say I'm being robotic. 1. Senses seem detached and able to be switched on and off by will 2. Internally everything seems emotionally flat, blank 3. Externally moods seem far easier to 'mask' and control 4. Everything as relates to me is very easy to third-person detach and analyze. It's all one giant metaphor, keep in mind. I don't think I'm ... robotkin? Or something. Ha. Look at my wit. When I get back from work I might post excerpts from my breakup soundtrack. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: 2 Reflections or Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/indescribable.gif){kind=small}
blankJanuary 2nd, 2009
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| Being the lame person I am, I actually googled 'just been dumped' while my internet was still working upstairs. There was some useful and some not-so-useful advice. 1. I am not going to sleep with random people just to feel 'attractive still'. It's my mental space which allocates trust which has issues right now, not my mental space which considers my looks. 2. Advantages to being single? Okay, admittedly I didn't come out to myself or anyone else that I was bisexual until after I started dating him. But this was not an issue. Frankly, I don't think it's really necessary for me to date a bunch of women or men in order for me to know who I am. I still think both are attractive. I don't need to sleep with some girl to figure that out. 3. Coming up with a list of things which bug you about your ex - This might sound useful from the outset. If you're deluded and think there's someone Perfect out there. But everyone has flaws. Of course there were things he did which bugged me. But I loved him anyway. 4. Mixtape of angry/whiny/sad breakup music - I'm doing this, actually. 5. Don't contact your ex - I'm also doing this. Even if I want to. If only so I can complain the internet card he gave me fucked itself. 6. Don't wallow - I'm trying my very hardest not to think too much about this. I'm going to work today, which will be interesting. Not. But I wonder if I'm still partially in denial. In some ways, as much as I've cried and been an emotional mess about this, I still feel partially as if it isn't real. 7. Take things a day at a time - This is the best I can do right now. --- 3751 PS: Is it ironic that he introduced me to Alison Krauss' music, which has a shit-ton of breakup songs? Mind you, this was five years ago, when we started dating ... | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
January 1st, 2009
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| Long time, no post. Don't know if I'll post to LJ or not, even if most people watch that.
Really emotastic right now. I'm using Mum's lapo right now because my old one bit the dust. ... Maybe this is a good time to write more shit. --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
![[mood icon]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/mood/lierre/compy/depressed.gif){kind=small}
crushedSeptember 24th, 2008
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| So. Um. Rundown of the week, then? 1. Power went out last Sunday, at about 2:30. After saving the ice cream and fumbling around in the dark for a while we got to go home. 2. Power was out the following Monday, so I didn't go in to work. Turns out, they still wanted us, but as they never told anyone, most people didn't show up, so no-one got into trouble. 3. Power still appeared to be out on Tuesday, as their phones didn't work, but I came into work anyway, hoping to get more information. They were actually open with full power. My supervisor never showed up, though. I spent most of the day restocking what we had which was empty in the fridge/freezer case. 4. Phones didn't start working again until Thursday. 5. Thanks to this whole power-outage thing, they're tacking on an extra 4 hours to Sunday, and they're giving all full-time people 8 hours on Monday whether they came in or not. I'm a happy panther. 6. This isn't to say I'm necessarily happy with these people. Did I mention the high-school vibes? Let me try to elaborate; the day people don't like the night people, the night people think the day people have the wrong attitude about the job, the managers never agree with each other, and I find myself stuck in the middle of it. As always. It appears that they're eventually going to give me hours so I can straddle the day-night shift (and thus be an unwitting messenger for stupid shit like, "so-and-so wants you to do X" followed by "such-and-such can't do X because of Y" and so on). 7. My brain gets eaten each and every time I work here. I'm sorry I've been MIA on my personal journal for the most part. I still love you all. 8. I'm up to something frivolous and time-wastey on the Internet, and if it lasts longer than two months I'll start talking about it in here. One or two of you might already guess. If you want to chat about such silly things, you can IM me? 9. a;dimefoiemfoiemg my hands are sore. x.x --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
September 14th, 2008
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| ( about: boyfreend ) My hands ended up being sore on Friday, for the first time, but they seem to be fine today. Having Saturday off was a huge help. I feel anxious about a lot of things right now. And there's no reason to be. I read about some of the stuff my friends are going through ... I have no right to complain about anything. Anything. Yet my brain still does this fail-flail dance. x_x And I'm going to do my best not to get burned out on this Wal-Mart job too fast. Maybe if they approve these days off in October that I requested ... --- 3751 | ||||||||||||
| The mirror shows: Shine a Light |
Masquerade
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